Let it go
Knowing when to let go of someone
As we grow, we create a library of behaviours that we classify as risky or potentially harmful in relationships. We use them to prevent the possibility of being friends or lovers with a harmful individual. Likability is strongly based on how long you could handle someone’s presence. Some people are better at recognizing these patterns than others, sometimes we haven’t recognized them in time, and in other cases, they were hidden from us. Regardless of your ability to perceive these aspects of the other person’s habits, we all reach a limit to the amount of unfit behaviours we can accept.
When building relationships, each person prioritizes different aspects of a person. For me, your values and the ways in which you handle conflict matters most. I care about your political opinions and how you defend them if we disagree, I care about how you handle disappointment from your family and friends, and I care about your reaction to unexpected misfortunes. If we are incompatible in these aspects, I can guarantee that our relationship will come to an end. For others, it can be, how much fun they have together, what benefit they bring to their lives, how loved they make them feel, how much history they have together, etc. We each prioritize what we believe to work best for us.
Once you are close to someone and you truly love them, detaching yourself from them can be hard. However, accepting that the constant presence of certain people in your live is detrimental to your growth is important. I am not a part of the “you don’t owe anyone anything” crowd. You do owe others a certain level of decency, and the saying is oftentimes used to mask immaturity as self-love. That being said, once the actions of said friend become a nuisance and bars your ability to explore new avenues, it is time to make a choice.
I propose this exercise; forget a pros and cons list. If you were to write down all of the unanimously questionable/harmful behaviours of this person on ONE sheet of paper, how insane would their record be? When you write a pros and cons list, you inevitably insert the aforementioned aspects you prioritized in the relationship. These aspects are to determine compatibility, and so, they sometimes are inaccurate for durability. As i’ve said in other pieces, everyone is capable of good, the same way people are capable of bad. Therefore, determining whether to keep someone depending on the quantity of good/bad they have done will not work. Murderers have donated to charity, it doesn’t mean they should have been around people. In all likelihood, the friend you are debating on keeping isn’t a murderer, but the point remains.
In addition, discussing the incidents that bothered you, transparently to others (without names!) will also help. Often, we become blinded by the ridiculousness of what we endure… Keep in mind, however, that the way you tell the story also affects their reaction, reflect on your part before doing this exercise. At the end of the day, you could have also been a part of the problem.
Most of the time, the decision isn’t going to be black and white. It will always be a difficult decision but using your discernment to decide what limits you put in place will make all the difference.
Do not be afraid to dissect the situation and rethink.
